It’s hard to resist the temptation of the Juniors section, which resembles the best party you’ve never been invited to. The bright lights, the rainbow of colors, the upbeat music and the glitter on the floor can be intoxicating to the eyes.
I once thought I was having a seizure, but then realized I was just in the dressing room of the Juniors section at Macy’s.
When you graduate to the Misses section, you realize that it has a different feel. No longer are you greeted by pictures of fresh-faced young women who appear to be having the best day of their entire lives simply by wearing leggings as pants and a see-thru blouse while jumping into the air.
Instead, the Misses section feels more like you are now a member of the book club, “Lonely Literate Ladies of the Library Who Embrace Lace and the Occasional Lower Leaking.”
You walk through a maze of aisles littered with embroidered holiday sweatshirts, turtlenecks and cap-sleeved shirts in putrid colors like mint, taupe, off-white and mother of pearl. The only music you can hear is the faint sound of Edwain McCain singing, “I’ll be Your Crying Shoulder,” which is playing on repeat as you slowly digest your new reality.
You search and search for something “fun” to wear to your girl’s night out, which now starts at 4 pm on a Saturday and consists of a “party” at a friend’s house who is trying to sell you crappy candles that never burn out, over-priced purses that resemble diaper bags (but you can get your initials embroidered on them for only $30 extra) and over-priced costume jewelry made by some chick named, “Lia Sophia,” who I am convinced was that girl in high school who told me that my Gap sweatshirt was “so two years ago.”
We should no longer be shocked when we enter these stores and are immediately asked, “Are you looking for something for your daughter?” I, of course, say all of this out of righteous jealousy.
I realize that this can be an overwhelming and confusing process so I’m here to help.
Below, I’ve devised a list of when you know it’s time to venture on over to the Misses section:
1) You are trying on the same outfit as your granddaughter.
2) You have a granddaughter.
3) You’ve used a rotary phone in your lifetime.
4) You have ever uttered the words, “It’s too loud in here.”
5) You eat yogurt for the probiotics, which was recommended to you by your doctor after your recent colonoscopy.
6) You listen to NPR…even on the weekends.
7) You no longer ask for an STD test when at your annual lady appointment.
8) You have conversations with your friends that begin with, “Broccoli makes me gassy.”
9) You remember Reaganomics.
10) Your husband was in WW1.
Good luck! It’s an unjust world out there. However, we can change it. In order to do so, we must band together and redefine beauty in our society. We should demand that women over the age of 30 are treated equally and have the right to be sold attractive clothing.
We should occupy the aisles of every department store until age is deemed more beautiful than youth. We should…well, let’s be honest, we’re all too invested in “The Real Housewives” to find time for any of that. The new season of Orange County just started and Vicki has a new chin!
A video from the author…
