Do You Think She’s Prettier Than Me?

I’ve been guilty of doubting my past and current boyfriend’s interest/love for me when I see him glance the way of a woman who I deem to be a more attractive than me. My mind will swell with scenarios like:

I bet he wishes I looked more like her.

I knew I shouldn’t have cut my hair so short. He probably thinks he’s dating a guy now.

He would probably propose to me if I were Puerto Rican.

Ugh, look at that super skinny girl. I bet her legs have never rubbed against each other while walking around PetSmart trying to find her cat some soft food with 40 percent protein because she cares more about her cat’s diet than her own. 

Last week, I even caught myself getting upset after seeing that my boyfriend liked a photo of a hotter woman on Instagram. I immediately wished for her to catch some incurable disease that would give her the speaking voice of Miley Cyrus and the face of a pug. After fifteen minutes of studying her flawless skin (thanks to the Valencia filter) and the flattering “above the head” camera angle she used, which showcased what we were supposed to believe was “accidental” cleavage, I realized that I was acting like a 13-year-old girl. I turned off my phone and immediately uninstalled Instagram. That is until I reinstalled it 7 minutes later. I think the active ingredient in Instagram is nicotine.

These kind of physical insecurities are annoying and irrational yet common for many women I’ve spoken with. And after much research (3 minutes of Google searches), I think I know who’s to blame – The Pussycat Dolls. Sure, they are no longer a band due to their realization that they do in fact hate cats and that their lead singer suffered from a doll phobia, but their anti-feminist sentiment lives on in their most popular song, “Don’t You Wish Your Girlfriend Was Hot Like Me.” When I first heard this song all I could think was, “Don’t you wish creating crappy music caused rapid weight gain? Don’t cha?”

Guys are always going to check out other women. They are extremely visual beings. Unfortunately, we have yet to invent a magical device that allows women to control their significant other’s eye sight. I’m thinking something along the lines of invisible fencing for your man-friend’s eyes. Every time he veers off the sight line of his lady-friend and onto that of a more attractive female, he is zapped right back into focal monogamy. However, if we deem the woman he is checking out to be less attractive than us, we reward him by remaining tear-free for one whole day. We then smile at him in an alluring way and bask in the glory of superficial superiority over our fellow female. And that my friends, is true feminism.

In my rational mind, I realize that my boyfriend is never going to leave me for that extremely hot girl he was checking out at Yogurtini on Sept 23rd at 7:18 pm – because he can’t. She’s too attractive. Nothing against him, he’s adorable, but in life we tend to date our aesthetic equals. Both of us may never be bikini-ready, but we look fantastic in hoodies. Sure there are those situations where the model-looking gal is dating/married to a far less attractive man, but those relationships are usually based on money, more money, pill addictions, absentee fathers and/or body dysmorphic disorder.

Since I have been thinking about my own insecurities and the way they affect the stability of my mind and relationship, I have come up with some great ways to increase your self-esteem and thus build up immunity to the hot women with dent-free legs and toned triceps who plague this world.

1. Look in the mirror at least once a day and pick one thing you like about yourself. Yesterday, I stood looking at myself in the mirror with a towel over my head for an hour and finally realized that I really liked that I decided to pay the extra $3.00 for the softer towel at Target. It really felt good against my adult acne-prone skin.

2. When a more attractive woman crosses your path, just think to yourself, “Oh that poor woman. It must be awful constantly using your and you’re incorrectly on Facebook.” “OMG Sandy! Your so funny!” – I imagine she left this comment when her “funny” friend shared a meme that George Takei posted. “Oh so you created this Willy Wonka meme. You must be a really creative person.”

3. Cut the tags out of your clothes. That way, with enough denial, you can convince yourself that every top/blouse/ or muumuu you own is a size extra small from the petite section of Baby Gap.

4. When you are feeling ugly, just layer on the scarves. If you wear enough scarves, no one will even know you’re there.

5. Buy yourself a no-slam toilet seat. Nothing distracts negative thoughts like watching your toilet seat cover take fifteen minutes to close.

6. Lie to yourself regularly. Here are some lies that I tell myself in order to feel better (temporarily):

• I would so much rather be pretty on the inside than on the outside.
• I don’t want guys looking at me because they think I’m attractive. I want them to respect me for my excellent parallel parking skills
• I don’t need to get Invisalign. I just need more lipstick. The brighter the lips, the straighter the teeth.
• Single digit sizes are so overrated. I would much rather spend my time pinning DIY photo pendants on Pinterest. I then sit at home and take Google images of cute children and add them to each pendant and sleep with them under my pillow thereby increasing the likelihood that my future baby will be gorgeous.

And if none of my above tips/tricks work for you or decrease your insecurities and your man-friend/husband still has a wandering eye, stop brushing your teeth and invite your mom to move in with you guys. Revenge is a dish best served smelly and annoying.