There’s NOT An App For That

Despite the copious amount of phone apps that exist for your downloading pleasure, I often find it difficult to find ones that suit me.

I never liked birds so whether they are “Flappy” or “Angry,” I’m not interested. Pandora is a great music app for when I’m at home on my Wi-Fi, but once I’m out in the real world and without an unlimited data plan, I am vulnerable to overage charges and panic attacks.

The Google Maps app is a lifesaver, but it also enables my ignorance. Without it, I turn into a reluctant wanderer who has yet to master the knowledge of north, south, east and west. You can tell me that memorizing, “Never Eat Soggy Wheaties” is a good way to remember, but it still doesn’t make sense. Why wouldn’t you want to eat soggy Wheaties? Wheat is far better when soft and covered in sugar. But most importantly, who still eats Wheaties? It’s 2014 and anyone who’s anyone has a gluten-allergy. It’s the new lactose intolerance.

Therefore, I’ve often pondered, “What apps are we missing?” Often unable to concentrate on anything else, I sit and think of potential apps that will incite the betterment of humanity.

So here is a list of some I’ve invented. Mind you, these have only been created in my head because I lack any technical cognizance. If you can figure out how to actually make any of these and decide to do so, please make all earnings payable to me: Pale Gurl Comedy, LLC via money order. It’s not that I don’t trust you to write me a check. It’s just that I don’t trust you at all. Enjoy!

Here is a list of cool apps I would like to see:

• App that blocks you from sending nonsensical texts to your significant other when you’re feeling insecure.
• App that tells you when someone you don’t like is within a 5-mile radius.(That’ll give you just enough time to run)
• App where if you point your phone downward at a person’s feet, it’ll remind you of his or her name. (It’s more incognito if you hold your phone down as opposed to up in their face)
• App that sends you a text when you have something in your teeth.
• App that makes the fire alarm in Target sound every time you start buying things that you do not need.
• App that gives your status on Facebook more likes then it deserves.
• App that blocks anyone from leaving you a voicemail. Ever.
• App that makes grilled cheese. We’ve been to the moon and invented marvelous things like CrossFit and Sandra Bullock, but we can’t make a phone that can send a signal to your stove that you are dying for grilled cheese? Step it up, technology!
• App that allows you to catapult angry drivers into a ball pit at a nearby Burger King. I don’t want to seriously injure anyone. I just want to throw them into a colorful pool of plastic pinkeye.