The bittersweet feelings of change

It is interesting how different all people are. Change for example; some people thrive on it and some people run away from it as far as they can go. I like to think of myself somewhere in the middle of that spectrum. I hate thinking about change and the actual physical act of change but once it’s done I love it. Sometimes I even force myself to change to stay on my toes, even if it is just the type of lotion I use, which can sometimes turn into a life event.

When I originally moved to Scottsdale with my brother seven months ago it was a massive stress in my life. I was leaving the town I was used to, the house I loved and a few of my friends. When I finally accomplished it, signed the lease and moved all of my things in, I felt free and like I could do this any time. Seven months later when we changed apartments I started to have the feelings of stress and being overwhelmed again but also something else. Despite the fact that our previous apartment was riddled with problems and an obnoxious sound coming out of the wall, I was sad to leave it. I started feeling nostalgic to the little apartment that housed my first taste of freedom. Quickly after that thought however, I was reminded why I was leaving by the horrible sound in the wall.

So what got me through this trying situation, when a personality like mine only reluctantly accepts change? I took a few steps so that I would not result in a nervous breakdown. Firstly I took my time between things. Thankfully when we signed the new lease it was two months prior to our move so I was allowed time to accept the impending situation. Part of that was breaking it into tiny steps so my brain could wrap around what was happening. I started by packing bits of things every week, having addresses changed and mapping out all the new places I would be frequenting. When everything did manage to feel daunting I talked it out, a lot. My poor boyfriend was the ear of my worrying about rent, worrying about a 15 month lease with my brother, worrying about movers and worrying about worrying. When all of those things failed me though, I took a step back for a day and forced myself to calm down. This is where hobbies make wonderful company.

But what exactly is the reason I am resistant while others flat out avoid change at all costs? I spent a while thinking about my reasons and they may relate to some of you. As I previously mentioned before, Nostalgia. I am always creating an emotional attachment to inanimate objects. A pair of old cleats I haven’t worn since high school still rest in my closet because I don’t have the heart to rid myself of them. In the case of my apartment, it was my first place away from my parents.

Comfortable surroundings is also really important to me. I like to create routines and scripts for my day so nothing pops up unexpected. By moving into a new place I realized I had to make new ones for the new environment because everything was in a different place. And slight as it may be, my fear for unknown things plays a big part in my resistance to change. There was also the matter of a new commitment to the lease. Previously a seven month lease and now a 15 month lease. I had to accept that I was going to be there for a while.

In the end though, I felt a bit of comfort in all these things. Being in the new place for as long as I will be means it’s not temporary. I can get comfortable and not worry about change for a while, and I can develop new emotional attachments. Change can be overwhelming, emotional and stressful, and it comes in so many forms. My recent one may have been moving but it can relate to break ups or new relationships, quitting or acquiring a new job, getting older or graduating school and trying to figure out your place in the world. What matters is how you deal with it and how it makes you stronger.